I never want to see another naked old woman again.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
