I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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