2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
