sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
