i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
