my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
false alarm. still invincible.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
