I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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