Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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