dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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