we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
