Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
