i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She bit a glass in half.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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