my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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