dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
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I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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