I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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