Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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