Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
