Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I died a long time ago.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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