Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
either way he was missing a nipple.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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