I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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