why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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