i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
