Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize