Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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