My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
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Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
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these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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