I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
