My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
