i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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