I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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