oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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