I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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