I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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