I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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