I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
