I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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