I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
