I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
