Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
