We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
