Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize