I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
