The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
