That's when you crack a 10am beer
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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