Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
