so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The uberlube is also flammable
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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