Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
