good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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