I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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