I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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