I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
