I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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