What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
